Wednesday, 3 July 2013

why i have been away

well i have written this post 3 times now. Twice the power went off and it didn't save the post and the 3rd time I wrote it on my Ipad and it wouldn't publish and even though I clicked save...it didn't. So I am thinking that it is a sign. I struggled so much in writing it and not wanting to write it that maybe i am just not suppose to. However, after finally finishing the post for the 3rd time I did feel better. So now I want to write it for the 4th time so I can not think about writing it again!!

I know I haven't been around much lately and I see that quite a few people have stopped following me, that’s fine, but to the rest of you I felt like I needed to provide you with an explanation so here it goes. Its long, but I feel like I need to get it out.

5 years ago I got sick and although I have written about 50 posts about my illness and how it changed my life I could never quite bring myself to hit send. Even now I don’t want to talk about it because I am ashamed, but hiding from it only makes it worse. I suffer from severe generalized anxiety disorder, severe panic disorder in which I have paradoxical reactions to meds for either disorder. Meaning the opposite happens than what the meds are intended for. So I cannot take anything and I get the same reaction to therapy. In addition to that I have Ibs..Which is fun enough on its own add extra stress caused from the anxiety and panic and it’s a whole barrel of monkeys. I try to live my life as normally as I can which at time can be hard. Sometimes my brain/body feels that it is in so much danger that I cannot leave the house or I get so confused that normal easy tasks are near impossible for me. It makes things like gardening or sewing a constant struggle, but I do try. My brain also has issued trying to stay calm it likes to fester on events from the past, present, and future and constantly replay worst case scenarios and have fights in my head. I also have a knack for feeling too much and taking on other peoples problems as if they were my own and letting those fester as well. Being labelled with a mental illness is horrible it is embarrassing, shameful, fearful, guilt ridden and a whole host of other feelings. I know I don’t have to feel that way, but I do. It also doesn’t help that the healthcare system here sees those two words mental illness and no matter what you go to see the doctor for their response is....you are depressed you have a mental illness.  This leads me to the next issue I have been dealing with

For the past 4 years Mr.P and I have been trying to conceive with no luck. My family doctor wouldn’t do anything to help since I have mental illness and maybe shouldn’t even try to have kids (my physiatrists by the way says the exact opposite, not depressed and should have kids) I would demand blood work , ultra sounds and specialists and even when that came back showing problems it was still just mental illness. Finally Mr.P threatened the dr and things started to get moving different doctors and mental illness wasn’t even brought up. Fast forward a few years full of lost files, incorrect diagnoses, referrals that never got faxed/received, mix up after mix up, a cyst ignored that turned into a 7x7cm tumor which had to be removed after 9 rounds of infertility drugs all for nothing. A lab tech that puts down the wrong info about the tumor and leaves docs thinking it could be cancer when after it went to the tumor board it was not. Doctor that has us do IUI’s only to afterwards tell us it was unethical do them since there was never a chance they would work. The same dr tells us our only option is IVF with ICSI and that we should not have it done in province, but go to Calgary instead. After all the mix-ups we agreed. Finally after 4 more mix ups and lost info and such we got our names on the waiting list in Calgary exactly 24 hours after we found out my dad had stage IV cancer.

In May we got the call that my next cycle we would be able to do the IVF with ICSI and that is about when my blog started to decline. The meds forced me into early menopause and my already fried brain got a little crispier..lol In June we headed to Calgary to go through with the ifv cycle and it was terrifying, exciting and well very painful. However, it was a success they were able to put one embryo back in and freeze 6 more. (They only put one in if you are under 35 and the embryo is healthy so no octomom’s here..lol) So as of the 22nd of June I am both pregnant and not. This is why I have been on dr’s order to so as little as possible and have no stress. On Friday the 5th I go for blood work which will tell us for sure if we are pregnant or not. However, I am pretty sure I lost the baby on the 25th the dr and nurses were not very reassuring saying that there was little they could do and it was still a 50/50 chance. However, in my heart I feel as though I know the answer and it is negative.

So as I said I am suppose to be a stress free as possible which is already difficult since I am at a 10 for stress on most days anyhow. That got worse with the news that my dad’s cancer which had just shown no new growth three weeks ago and now spread to the fluid sac around his spinal cord and brain. That was Wednesday and he has gotten quite sick since then. They are going to still do radiation in hopes that it will slow the cancer down and give us more time with him.

I hope you can understand that my plate is quite full I am heartbroken, hopeless and devastated so blogging has been difficult. I just fear that no matter how much I pray that even if God proves me wrong and I am pregnant that my dad won’t be around to get to know his grandchild. I am an only child so that makes the stress of the whole situation that much more. I feel broken and thus my blog is getting neglected. I shall try to keep blogging though as it does offer some relief.


Thank you for listening

23 comments:

  1. I am so sorry to read of the pain you are going through. Please don't ever be ashamed of any illness that you have . . . illness is illness whether it is mental or physical. I, too, suffer from panic attacks, anxiety & OCD & it makes life so difficult. I learned a long time ago feeling ashamed is part of the disease & if I had heart disease would I be ashamed? No. Hold your head high & know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself & don't apologize to anyone. You just showed so much strength in admitting it to the blogging world. Best wishes to you & your family. I'll be cheering you on! :)

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  2. Oh, my dearest Mrs. P., never, never, NEVER be ashamed and embarrassed over your illness. It's not anything you have done, in fact it seems you have done all that is possible to overcome it. My thoughts and prayers and cyberhugs go out to you, and I wish you the very best. We all lose someone we love. The best thing you can do is to show your Dad just how much you do love him, be there for him, try to stay strong, and know that you were instrumental in making his life on this earth happier.

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  3. I don't have any magic words to make it better, but I will tell you that you aren't alone. There are lots of us that can understand where you are coming from and just how hard it is. You do whatever it is you have to do to make it through. I'm pulling for you!

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  4. You just try to relax and take care of yourself. Most of us will still be here when feel up to posting.

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  5. Please don't be ashamed! No apologies needed! Take care of yourself and your family. Blogs are really not important. It's the people we love who are and taking care of ourselves. Sending you many hugs as I can only imagine the heartbreak you're going through with this new news regarding your beloved father.

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  6. Sorry to hear all this, but glad you know that you can share your thoughts, and sorrows here. You have lots of blog friends in your corner thinking of you!

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  7. You are so brave!!! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family with everything you are going through and you dad is going through!!!

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  8. Woww, you have been having it tough haven't you? I'm glad you felt you could share all this, and hope it has helped a little. I know it's easy for me to say, but you really have nothing to feel ashamed about, and remember that we're out here rooting for you.

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  9. Awww, Sweetie, you've got friends round the world over sending you virtual hugs. I'm glad you were finally able to press send because you'll see that we are all here to rally around you in times like these. Few words can comfort but close your eyes and feel the love. Big hugs xx

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  10. Dear Hayley. It took a lot of courage to share your story. You are stronger than you think you are. This is a difficult time, and it will pass. That doesn't make living it any easier. Many of us have struggled with various forms of mental illness. Know that you are not alone.

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  11. So brave of you to share all this, a sign that there is healing happening. Prayers for you and your family, that God will see you through whatever direction this all takes. It can't be easy, but know that all of us here in bloggerland, and anybody else that you have the freedom to tell your struggles, are behind you, beside you, with you all the way! Love and hugs!

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  12. Thinking of you and your family while you are going through these trying times.Know that we are here to "talk" to you if you ever want to.

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  13. Sending hugs and prayers...you are very strong...I pray your strength will continue and sharing here might be very helpful...try not to feel alone because there are so many out here who understand and care...some going through similar situations that you are helping by sharing yours...hugs

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  14. Oh mrs. Pickles- I am so sorry! I am wishing I could be there to hug you and cry with you. I am praying for you and your family. May Jesus wrap you in his arms and give you the peace that passes all understanding.

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  15. Holy Moly. And this too shall pass. We all understand, some more then others. My mother passed in 2006 and I still miss her. Life will always be difficult, try to focus on the good things. If you did lose the little one, perhaps now is not the time for you to have children. Maybe next year, when things have calmed down. There is always hope for the future. When I am blue i try to focus on my sweet husband who is always there for me and is supportive.

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  16. I am recovering from Menopausal Depression and I understand what you say about mental illness and stigma, and the shame and embarrassment that we saddle ourselves with because of that stigma. I blogged quite a bit about it, and can send you the links if it would help you to read them. An illness is an illness is an illness, whether it is in the brain, the pancreas, the heart or the skin. (((Hugs)))

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  17. I hope that sharing has made you feel a little better. You come first, let the blog sit till you feel like blogging. Your are in my prayers. I`m a follower who is not going anywhere.

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  18. ((((hugs))))
    I'm soo sorry to hear about your dad. It's always hard to get such devastating news but especially after some results give a cause for hope. If you ever need a shoulder, I'm here.
    Your story of the doctors and the grief they've caused you with your illness and with trying to have kids makes me want to come over there and give them all a right boot up the arse. I'm sorry to hear that you think this round of IVF has failed. Hopefully the next time will take. And yes, it's sad thinking that your dad won't be around to be a granddad, but he would be so happy for you regardless. Since Granny died, she has had three great-grandkids born. There's a degree of sadness that she couldn't of been here to see them, but there is also the knowledge that she would have been thrilled. Similar to how all of her grandchildren started being born after granddad died, so he never got to meet any of us either. Maybe you'll end up with a similar mixture of heartbreak and joy.
    As for blogging - blog when you can, don't when you can't. I'll still be here. Though I do periodically get behind on my blog reading and then put in a session catching up - like this morning :)

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  19. So sorry for all your troubles. Life can be very tough sometimes. Please try to hang in there. Those of us who love your blog will be here to read an support you as best we can. The rest...who cares. I hope some things start going your way. Take care of yourself, that's really all you can do. You will be in my prayers.

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  20. I know I have not been around, but please know I am praying for you and your family.

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  21. My heart breaks for what you're going through. I don't think blog followers so easily abandon someone who doesn't post for a while. You've been through much and have been very strong considering. I hope knowing so many people, many of whom you've never actually met, are holding you dear in their thoughts and prayers brings you some comfort and strength. Don't be afraid to be honest. <3

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  22. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

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