why i have been away
well i have written this post 3 times now. Twice the power went off and it didn't save the post and the 3rd time I wrote it on my Ipad and it wouldn't publish and even though I clicked save...it didn't. So I am thinking that it is a sign. I struggled so much in writing it and not wanting to write it that maybe i am just not suppose to. However, after finally finishing the post for the 3rd time I did feel better. So now I want to write it for the 4th time so I can not think about writing it again!!
I know I haven't been around much lately and I see that quite a few people have stopped following me, that’s fine, but to the rest of you I felt like I needed to provide you with an explanation so here it goes. Its long, but I feel like I need to get it out.
5 years ago I got sick and although I have written about 50 posts about my illness and how it changed my life I could never quite bring myself to hit send. Even now I don’t want to talk about it because I am ashamed, but hiding from it only makes it worse. I suffer from severe generalized anxiety disorder, severe panic disorder in which I have paradoxical reactions to meds for either disorder. Meaning the opposite happens than what the meds are intended for. So I cannot take anything and I get the same reaction to therapy. In addition to that I have Ibs..Which is fun enough on its own add extra stress caused from the anxiety and panic and it’s a whole barrel of monkeys. I try to live my life as normally as I can which at time can be hard. Sometimes my brain/body feels that it is in so much danger that I cannot leave the house or I get so confused that normal easy tasks are near impossible for me. It makes things like gardening or sewing a constant struggle, but I do try. My brain also has issued trying to stay calm it likes to fester on events from the past, present, and future and constantly replay worst case scenarios and have fights in my head. I also have a knack for feeling too much and taking on other peoples problems as if they were my own and letting those fester as well. Being labelled with a mental illness is horrible it is embarrassing, shameful, fearful, guilt ridden and a whole host of other feelings. I know I don’t have to feel that way, but I do. It also doesn’t help that the healthcare system here sees those two words mental illness and no matter what you go to see the doctor for their response is....you are depressed you have a mental illness. This leads me to the next issue I have been dealing with
For the past 4 years Mr.P and I have been trying to conceive with no luck. My family doctor wouldn’t do anything to help since I have mental illness and maybe shouldn’t even try to have kids (my physiatrists by the way says the exact opposite, not depressed and should have kids) I would demand blood work , ultra sounds and specialists and even when that came back showing problems it was still just mental illness. Finally Mr.P threatened the dr and things started to get moving different doctors and mental illness wasn’t even brought up. Fast forward a few years full of lost files, incorrect diagnoses, referrals that never got faxed/received, mix up after mix up, a cyst ignored that turned into a 7x7cm tumor which had to be removed after 9 rounds of infertility drugs all for nothing. A lab tech that puts down the wrong info about the tumor and leaves docs thinking it could be cancer when after it went to the tumor board it was not. Doctor that has us do IUI’s only to afterwards tell us it was unethical do them since there was never a chance they would work. The same dr tells us our only option is IVF with ICSI and that we should not have it done in province, but go to Calgary instead. After all the mix-ups we agreed. Finally after 4 more mix ups and lost info and such we got our names on the waiting list in Calgary exactly 24 hours after we found out my dad had stage IV cancer.
In May we got the call that my next cycle we would be able to do the IVF with ICSI and that is about when my blog started to decline. The meds forced me into early menopause and my already fried brain got a little crispier..lol In June we headed to Calgary to go through with the ifv cycle and it was terrifying, exciting and well very painful. However, it was a success they were able to put one embryo back in and freeze 6 more. (They only put one in if you are under 35 and the embryo is healthy so no octomom’s here..lol) So as of the 22nd of June I am both pregnant and not. This is why I have been on dr’s order to so as little as possible and have no stress. On Friday the 5th I go for blood work which will tell us for sure if we are pregnant or not. However, I am pretty sure I lost the baby on the 25th the dr and nurses were not very reassuring saying that there was little they could do and it was still a 50/50 chance. However, in my heart I feel as though I know the answer and it is negative.
So as I said I am suppose to be a stress free as possible which is already difficult since I am at a 10 for stress on most days anyhow. That got worse with the news that my dad’s cancer which had just shown no new growth three weeks ago and now spread to the fluid sac around his spinal cord and brain. That was Wednesday and he has gotten quite sick since then. They are going to still do radiation in hopes that it will slow the cancer down and give us more time with him.
I hope you can understand that my plate is quite full I am heartbroken, hopeless and devastated so blogging has been difficult. I just fear that no matter how much I pray that even if God proves me wrong and I am pregnant that my dad won’t be around to get to know his grandchild. I am an only child so that makes the stress of the whole situation that much more. I feel broken and thus my blog is getting neglected. I shall try to keep blogging though as it does offer some relief.
Thank you for listening