Friday, 13 June 2014

Yep it’s me again

Look at me posting 2 days in a row…yep that sound you hear is me patting myself on the back. Okay I wrote this post yesterday while Anika was having a nap, but still it counts as a post nonetheless!

I have been feeling the quilting itch for the past week, but there just hasn’t been time to do much about it. I would have love to have had a work in progress report for today, but I don’t plan on stressing myself out any more than I have too.

This week-end I do hope to get some sewing done, however, it’s going to be to make some reusable breast pads. Should be simple enough. Maybe I should just use the pee pee teepees I made, since there is no pee pee to use them on perhaps they can have another use…LOL
 
Mr.Pickles is going out east for training again all of next week. Luckily my mother is going to be staying with me so she can help out in the evening with the little one. He was gone for a week back in May and we survived, so I am sure we will again this time. I just might be able to get some sewing done while my mother is watching the baby,.....maybe...however, i'll likely be weeding instead..LOL
 
Speaking of the little pickle today she is 3 months old!!!! WOW were does the time go. It feels like just yesterday we were staring our baby journey in Calgary and now here we are with a baby. It's been the best and worst 12 months of my life. Sitting in that clinic praying so hard for a miracle that we would get pregnant and that my dad would survive his fight with cancer I never thought that 12 months later we would have a baby and we would no longer have my dad. It's a hard struggle every day for me. I look to Anika and feel unexplainable joy, sorrow and guilt all at the same time. While I was pregnant I couldn't deal with the death of my father because it was just too much and I was afraid the stress of dealing with it would cause a miscarriage. I kept saying i'll deal with it once the baby comes. Then she arrived and well I cannot deal with it at all, its just too sad and I feel that If I really deal with it I am going to burry myself into a big ole hole of sadness and I am not sure if I will ever come out....so I just don't think about it. I cry about it for a few mins everyday and then say..don't think about it and move on. Its funny you pray everyday for the hurt to go away, but then you don't want the hurt to go away because that is all you have left.
 
Okay this post got a lot more depressing than I had planed on...lol
 
Have a great day

4 comments:

  1. Oh, sweetie - you have been on an emotional rollercoaster for so long. Find the joy in your little pickle. They say when one light goes out, another goes on - your little one is the continuance of your father's light.

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  2. Sorry to hear it's been rough.
    Oddly enough, what you describe is very familiar. Like you I only let my grief out in little bits. Then make myself put it away. I wouldn't advise it as a way to deal - I think it means it takes longer to get out the other side - but you'll get there in the end.
    And don't worry, the hurt will never go away, but it will no longer be a constant companion. And when it eases up, there's room for the happy memories to shine through. He'll never be completely gone because you'll always carry around a piece of him inside. And he'll remain a part of your life because you'll think on things you do and think how happy he would have been, or he'd have enjoyed this or that, etc. Eventually those types of thoughts aren't painful, just bittersweet and will bring smiles. At least that's how it worked for me and I believe you'll get there eventually too.
    In the meant time, big hugs coming your way from me

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  3. oh my...now here all along I thought you were in your 50 or 60's....you are a young mom....sad to hear of you losing your Dad....always hardship ...

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    1. I wanted to say more...however our isp went down...I am sure you have much to look forward too a new baby a new life and many new memories to stir that lovely heart of yours...to sunshine every day in that pickle garden of life..

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