I have been struggling with whether or not I want to post about this for the past two days. Part of me doesn’t feel like it is something I should share, but the reason I started this blog was because I have too many thoughts stuck festering in my head and writing about them has been lethargic and a way to get better . So I wasn’t sure what to do, however as I write this now it feels like something I need to do for my own sanity. I can barely see the keyboard through my tears, but getting it out is better than me writing this post a million times in my head.
On Tuesday my father was diagnosed with esophageal cancer. It is at stage II and in the lymph nodes around the esophagus. They also found a spot on his liver, which also might be cancer which means that it has spread and is now at stage IV. He is awaiting a pet scan and biopsy to determine what action needs to be taken. Thanks to our wonderful health care system in Canada he is going to have to wait for both for at least a month.
So it’s been a rough couple of days. One day everything is going great and the next day my Dad is dying. Right now my parents are living with us. This is both good and bad. Bad because I am not coping very well and it’s a struggle not to be hysterical and instead not crying and be happy well not happy but you know what I mean. Good because it gives us all extra time to be together.
I am trying so hard to not be negative and jump to the worst case scenario, but it’s not working. Like millions of other people I find myself screaming why him, why our family, haven’t we been through enough already. It’s so hard not to be selfish and run through all the things he won’t be there for and cry as much for myself as for him. It’s also hard not to be so guilty for not being able to give him grandkids and now it will be too late.
I know we will all get through this as a family, I know it’s only been 48hours and everything is still fresh, raw and painful. But right now I am shattered and utterly devastated. My daddy can’t die.
So there you go it’s not all out of my head, but it hurts think about it anymore. So that is where I am going to leave it.